I am learning so much about myself this month!
Something is holding me back. Something is keeping me from my goals. And that something is procrastination. (Well, duh). But procrastination doesn’t just happen. There’s something much deeper at work. Habits? Paradigms? Laziness? Fear? Fear of failure, fear of success?
I’ve known for years that I’m addicted to TV. I just love stories! I love TV! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. But I do feel guilty when I watch one episode after another. Because I know when I’m avoiding something.
Obviously I’m avoiding something considering I watched two seasons of True Blood this week. Oops.
I’ve always been a good girl. I do as I’m told, I get good grades. But I have a rebel streak in me…and unfortunately it’s rebelling against my very own self. This is the worst way to rebel!!
I have got to learn that I am not the bad guy. Can I do this? Of course! Will I? If I make the decision to. The last time I read and applied this article on Decision making by Bob Proctor, I was very successful! I did things I never believed I could do before – like going to the gym 5 days in 1 week and completing an abdominal exercise that I could never do before.
But right now, I’m making True Blood more important than my dreams. Wow. When I say it that way, it’s really sad.
How will I stop? Is it okay that I’m watching True Blood? Sure! Is it okay that it’s almost 1am and I just started another hour-long episode? Well…if I didn’t have to get up for work tomorrow it might be. What am I missing out on by indulging in this (delightfully Eric-full) episode?
Whoa whoa whoa whoa wait. I’m reading over this and I just realized that I said “I’ve known for years that I’m addicted to TV.” Paradigm alert! (1) Someone taught me to believe this a long time ago, but (2) it doesn’t have to be that way. As long as I believe I’m addicted, I will be.
If I were to turn off the TV right now, how would I benefit? I guess I would get a little more sleep. Or I might spend the time fine-tuning my speech for Toastmasters tomorrow! Or I might spend the time improving my skills for, oh, I don’t know, that CIZE LIVE class I’ll be teaching soon!! Or, hell – I might spend the time working on my jokes for the Blue Whale Comedy Festival I’m performing in 2 weeks from now.
Grief. I have a lot to work on! Maybe I’m watching True Blood to relax? To keep my mind off of these things? Why would I do that?! You know why? Because I’m scared. I’m intimidated, and if I allow myself to think about these things, I already know that I’m going to worry. I’m going to worry that I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not worthy, I’m not funny. But…half the time I don’t worry like that. I’m conflicted.
This post will require a part 2! Until then…